Serious about immigration

Bit disheartening to see in both the Leaders debate and the following Question Time that very little positive is said about immigration. Not until a member of the QT audience said something, did the politicians all agree.
Perhaps predictably since I'm an immigrant, I don't believe all immigration is bad. It enriches a society to have people come from elsewhere. I do appreciate the issues with having too many people in the UK or having people who don't want to integrate and that's where a lot of the fear comes from.
However, my warped mind wants to also see the funny side.

1. In Scotland, many Polish people are employed on farms - I heard a radio interview on this where a farmer said he preferred to employ the Poles as they would do the job, work hard and not grumble. He had HAD to get Polish workers as local British people didn't want to do the job. So we cannot have a system that just chucks out all immigrants ...it's got to be a bit more selective. We could perhaps have a system where a British person identifies a job taken by a immigrant then said immigrant will be dropped off the Dover coast so the British person can have the job.
2. If immigration is capped, will the same be applied to emigration. Only 10 people allowed to go abroad at a time so that Britain has time to cope with the loss. Stop the Brain Drain out of Britain as the best of the best go abroad to find better jobs and a way of living (but beware of the banker clause here, keeping these elite will cost us). Stop those moving to Australia for sea and a more relaxed way of living?
3. Have a bouncer at border control - if 3 people leave the UK, 3 people can come in. Those 3 better not have kids else the status quo will be ruined though.
4. If there are too many people, perhaps Logan's Run is the answer. Everyone over 30 is encouraged to do the right thing for society and top themselves (thereby legalised euthanasia is no longer an issue). No more grumpy old bods around clogging up the roads and so on.
5. Too many people - birth control. Chinese style system of 1 child per household. Or better still stop plastic surgery so everyone is really ugly and no-one will want to bonk.
   
6. Have a lift type alarm for land...too many people on the same spot and bells start ringing. When the whole of the UK is covered, then extra bods better learn to swim pretty well.
7. Nick Griffin was on Radio 2 today and the policy of giving immigrants money to go home came up. 50k. Blimey. Only if like me, you've been here for over 35 years then where is home? Certainly not the country where my parents were born nor where I was born both of which would regard me as some strange western woman with weird ideas. And if you took the 50k but came back, would you owe the BNP a refund. If you left, would you be entitled to take all the tax and NI contributions you made with you or is that part of the 50k? I won't even start to contemplate what happens with mixed race couples since the British person leaving may contravene the Brain Drain clause and that would be the end of the marriage (I know the BNP would love that!)
   
8. Once the immigrants are all gone will all trace of their existence be wiped out? All the restaurants shut down, all the clothing and food outlets shut up, all the art, music and foreign culture deleted? Perhaps I should point out that Idi Amin tried to do this and now 40 years on, they are trying to get all the asians back to run the businesses left exactly as they were when they forced to leave.
   

Just a few thoughts to lighten the mood. However, I will take the immigration issue very seriously once the politicians come up with sensible answers to people's concerns.